Archive for Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz

To my unborn daughter.

Posted in Humor with tags , , on July 22, 2012 by Yemi


I hope DHL delivers to heaven.

My dear daughter,

the milk of my heart,

the first in the number,

the mortar that allows the pestle,

the one that won’t bear my last name forever but by force by fire you will bear it,

the heir to my empire.

I know special efforts are being taken in heaven to create you and your wonderful siblings but I wrote this for you, hopefully you get to read it and tell the angels what your daddy wants in his daughter.

First off, I pray you never have a chest like that of Candice from the Phineas and Ferb cartoon. In their latest movie she claimed she was an adult and yet her chest was as flat as a punctured tyre. I hope you got the humor in that last line because you had better come with a plethora of humor to make your daddy laugh. May I add that there would be no need to bust your younger brothers because I actually want them to be as smart and as adventurous as Phineas and Ferb but for obvious reasons I won’t christian them Phineas and Ferb.

Your mother and I are highly anticipating your arrival…… Ok, you caught me *sigh*, I’m not married and I don’t know who your mother is yet but I assure you that she’s beautiful, smart (she would be like a living encyclopedia. Yep, you should know I only trip for booksmart girls, I was wired that way). She would be a nice and caring mother and you can include other paraphernalia’s expected of the best mum in the world. I will try my possible best to be the best husband and father also (my mum, your grandmother has always said that any girl would be lucky to have me… *sigh*)

You must be beautiful and cute, the kind that make boys turn their heads 360. Trust me when it’s time to ogle their necks puts no restraint on their heads (Darwin was right, humans adapt to environment and evolve). Don’t worry your father is a decent man, he doesn’t do shit like that. And when you enter that age, add voluptuous and fashionable to the list. You must be smart enough to outwit those boys that want nothing reasonable from you, do not chop their money under any circumstances. Your father is a very wealthy man, he will provide for your needs even the Brazilian and the Peruvian weaves, the 1 million dollars Hermes bag, the 100,000 naira bra and other ridiculous requests.

You had better come as a prodigy, a maestro or with an eidetic memory so that your training will be easy. As my first child. You have to set a pace for your siblings (daddy is not joking here, so pay close attention). Y’all must learn at least 3 languages asides English of course and in addition you must learn at least 2 musical instruments including the piano. You will play less and work harder, I don’t want you wasting time on social media like I do, they are the devil’s workshop (I kid you not). You will be assigned a governess, the best money can afford. She is not your babysitter or your nanny. She will be your teacher, your guardian and maybe sometimes; your caretaker. She will put you through the course I have lined up for you.

You must be gentle, not quiet but gentle and calm. My nephews, your cousins have given me enough grey hair and wrinkle lines, I don’t need any more but just in case I convince them to babysit you, make sure to be on your worst/naughtiest demeanor. Those children must suffer at least half of what they made me suffer while taking care of them.

You won’t be allowed to make personal life decisions not until you are at least 16 years old or you are through with high school depending on which one I find appropriate. You would be allowed to follow your life dream whether it’s athletics, tennis, boxing or soccer. Wait, scratch that.  I don’t need an aggressive daughter with muscles big enough to make her brothers and father jealous and neither do I want a blind man wanking to the video of my daughter playing tennis just because he thought he was watching porn…… hell no!!!! You are free to do anything in the academics and art.

Despite all I have said, there are many things I hope and pray for you and your siblings, I can’t write everything here but I pray them in my heart. They say earth hath no love like that of a mother. So I say a mother knows no love like that of mine. The future might not be what you always want it to be and human nature is fickle but I want you to always know that despite the times I will always be there for you.

Note that you are not my favorite child, I have a letter for each of your siblings. I love all of you rugrats equally. You are the leader of the bunch, the first heir to my fortune. There is no room for error, so get prepared to storm this world.

Don’t keep your mother and I waiting unless you might just get bitch slapped at birth.

With much love,

Your father.

Be back here tomorrow for another hopefully exciting read.