First of all, I want to apologize for not being consistent with this challenge, I gave a crappy post on Saturday that was not properly edited, it still reeks of gbagauns despite the length. I refused to blog on Sunday because man must rest and go to church. Go to church I didn’t, and yesterday I refused to release a post because I was just too damn lazy plus the light bulb did not appear on top of my head and even till now the light bulb ain’t there and I am typing at a very ungodly hour. They say nothing good happens after 2am. I just hope this post proves that statement wrong

Also let me warn that this post might be gbagaun prone and it may distract you from the main idea of the post. Bear with me, I am only human, a human who has refused to sleep. I think that should do for the disclaimer.

Finally I want to take time to address my haters. Those that are constantly high on haterade, constantly sending me pings and dm’s on how crappy my posts are. Now singing turn my swag on, Keri Hilson version

*If you be hating just be mad at yourself,

I bet you think this post is about you,

don’t you, yeah, but it ain’t about you………………………

if you ain’t getting money then you got nothing for me

’cause I will be making paper like you wouldn’t believe

and I will be skinning haters like you wouldn’t believe

so what’s up? *

ok, that one sef don do. Most of my haters are my hommies tho. They definitely love me, what’s not to love.

And for those who doubt my talent, I brought you this,

This will go down as one of my favorite tweets.

Ok, to today’s post. I am sure with all the preamble from above, you will be expecting something awesome. I will be sorry to disappoint you at the end, it’s 2 am in the morning and I am still awake. The sand man is trying his best to put me to sleep………….. oh, my friend just told me some of you guys think I am talking about Sandman from the marvel comic. Nah, I am talking about that small dude that puts the whole world to sleep, he is somewhat like a tooth fairy…. If you still don’t know who I am talking about then I am sorry for your childhood. That’s enough babble. Now for today’s post. Hmmmmm. Where to start from.

Let me warn that the contents of this post may (emphasis on may) contain real scenes from my true life experience nevertheless the story is purely fictional and highly exaggerated. I will be the narrator. The post you about to read is meant for your amusement, so the truth has been greatly altered. Just so you know, this is the second time I will be writing such. ENJOY.

I slotted in my atm card into the atm for the third time that morning. The five digit number well above the needed amount stared at me and my feelings were elevated. I mentally tried to calculate the last time I had a black berry phone in my hand and how the opportunity got snatched away from me along with my itouch by a hoodlum wielding nothing more than a knife. Embarrassing right! It was painful and the ridicule was even worse (you can read up on the story here. I have refused to edit the story despite the numerous errors. It was the incident that propelled me to start blogging.)

I smiled to the ceiling wondering who my first contact would be, how I would so much pimp out my black berry, I could go on forever with the thoughts but I believe you get the drift. I brought out the Nokia torch-light phone in my pocket and made my last call with it

“mummy, I am going to buy a new phone”

“yemi don’t go alone ooh, you are still a kid.” I got annoyed and hung up.

I formed a mental image of all the black berry phones in my head, even the Porsche one, but it drove away as fast as it drove in. My options were down to a bold 2, bold 4 and  a torch. Long story short , I got a cab down to the place, entered slot and bought a bold 4. I still don’t know why I didn’t go to the slot at ikeja mall. The prices are the same, I think. Now for the real story.

Feeling all wiser than the last time I was here, I decided to enter the very gangster side of computer village just to get a phone jacket that I could have bought in slot. I put the newly bought phone in a black water proof…. Hehehe, I just like saying water proof. I took my time, gently striding and contemplating if my decision was sensible. Of course it was sensible especially to a foolhardy like me. All courage but no good sense.  I approached a shop that had more weapons in it than gadgets, more well-built men around it than sales personnel and they all seemed to have the same smell and their eye color was no different. I braced myself up, muttering I am smarter than before and I am no one’s maga, then I entered the shop. I spoke all the dialects I could, from English to Yoruba to pidgin. I asked to see his phone jackets and I was required to bring out the phone to see the one that best fits. He asked me new phone and I said yes. He volunteered to help me pimp out my phone and he told me in a very unclear way that each file he was going to add to my phone costs #200. I initially refused but then I thought the whole stuff was just #200. I gave him the go ahead and he did a few things on his laptop and my phone.

He gave me an app that was meant to prevent people from stealing the phone. Basically it was nothing more than an app for locking a phone and it had an alarm. That was all. I handed him a #200 bill and he was like what is this. I was amazed by his response. He said my fee was #10,000. I was startled, how is that possible, he then replied

“I said #200 per file and there are 50 files under this app.” I began to speak in Yoruba again

“Iru rubbish wo ni ele bayii, mo ro pe #200 ni e so. Oya, yoo kini yii lati fone mii.” (what sort of rubbish, delete it from my phone.)

“Ko le se yo, o gbodo san owo yen.” (it cannot be removed, you have to pay the money.)

We debated the issue some more and I began to panic, he offered to give me a storm 2 for the phone as I did not have the money to pay. After all no be ping the both of them they ping. I was furious and began to utter curses on him in pidgin, just then 2 huge shadows were casted by my side and the sun light was blurted out. One of the guys asked

“Lanre, se ko si any wahala.” (Lanre is there any problem) The look in my eyes was begging Lanre to dismiss them. I was not ready to get beaten.

“Omo yii ni.” (it is this child) I stopped him before he could say more.

“Baba, ni bi storm 2 yen wa. E ma je ka waste anymore time.” (where is the storm 2, don’t let us waste anymore time.)

He brought out a dusty looking thing from under the table and gave me, I could not care if the phone was working, all I knew was that I wanted out. He was nice enough to throw in a phone jacket with the phone. I think I said thank you. I hurried back home to see if the phone was working and it worked. I have refused to tell anyone the truth of what went down till now. It’s just plain stupid to be maga’d twice. It feels so not good to have confessed this. END.

Oh and my first ping, forget about it, there are more important things to worry about like Boko Haram, GEJ, girls getting pregnant and me going back to school.

If you believe this, please shoot yourself. This post is totally fictional but you are at liberty to believe whatever makes you sleep at night but still shoot yourself if you believe this.



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21 Responses to “MY FIRST PING.”

  1. Van Persie. . . . Amy Van Persie Says:

    This aint fiction right? Right

  2. TheGreyGenesis Says:


  3. Lolz.. Not read dis kind of funny post in a long while! At least u got a fone dat still pings.

  4. Hehehe..U betta tell us de truth nao.*whispers* na true,ehn?
    Enjoyable post! Keep de ink up.

  5. Free tequila for the ladies?? U need to get them drunk as quickly n easily as possible abi??
    U notice how I can’t care to comment on the “joke” u call a. Post.. Yes its a Joke.. And if I woke up at 2am to write this.. I’l remmba to kill myself!!

  6. Lmao!! Nah this was real!

  7. LMAO!!!!!! I wish it were real. 😀

  8. Veri 9ice

  9. This sure did happen 2 u…I suppose…AGAIN!!!!!!!!! Not fiction…I swear down….know u better dan dat….

  10. Yemi. You don’t cease to amaze me. What is wrong with you?

  11. So you know, I read this post in a shop with almost the same description in computer village……. Furnie

  12. I loved Ȋ̝̊̅†…twas awesome

  13. […] titled ‘This is not karma’ and I made a sequel to it titled ‘My first ping (‘; it brought me my most […]

  14. BlackHippy Says:


  15. dodondawa B Says:

    Nice 🙂

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